To listen to the stream of insults is the same as getting a series of blows to the head. And that’s not an exaggeration – our brains, as computed tomography shows, see no difference between physical violence and verbal aggression.
“Many people have been living in an atmosphere of verbal violence for years, but they have no doubt that something is wrong, because insults and humiliation have long become part of their lives.” – says Patricia Evans, author of “Verbal Aggression: How to Recognize and Overcome It.”
However, this style of relationship deals a serious blow to the psyche, our brains experience verbal aggression as physical violence.
“The big-brain computed tomography of a man listening to angry insults on his account, and the tomography of the man they just hit on the head, look the same.” says Evans.
Odbijanje ili čutanje
As the aggressor sees it, “I have what you need, and I can give it to you or give it to you. Therefore, I control the situation.” . I don’t need to ask you for an opinion. I’m not saying no, or saying yes. You’re on the hook, I’m not risking anything. “
Suprotno dejstvo
By doing the opposite of your wishes, the aggressor is sure: “I can make decisions for both of us. You are wrong, I am right. If I force you to doubt yourself, it will be easier for me to control you.”
Devaluation
Not giving importance to your words and actions, calling them “nonsense”, “stupid”, “irrelevant”, the aggressor insists that it should always be his/her last word. “I can devalue your words and actions, I am – above all criticism and I disobey anyone. I make decisions. When you realize how insignificant you are, it will be easier for me to control you.
“Humorous” insults
Calling insults “just a joke”, the aggressor has in mind: “It gives me great pleasure to see that my words hurt your feelings and I do not intend to stop. I think my words should be viewed with humor. I can say whatever I want. . “.
Rough interruption
Abruptly interrupting the conversation, ignoring your words, the aggressor emphasizes: “I am not obliged to respect your opinion and to answer you; you are an inadequate person, so I can end the conversation whenever I want – I always decide.”
Accusations
By declaring that you are guilty of being offended, the aggressor wants to make you think, “You are guilty of your own wrongdoing because of that I hurt you. It is your fault that I talk to you this way and for speaking to you and thus addressing you. And in general for anything that is not the way I want, that is why I do not need to change my behavior.
Accusations and comments
Condemning and criticizing, the aggressor is given another opportunity to subjugate your will: “When I tell you that you think and act improperly, I begin to control you.”
How to protect yourself
Listen to yourself
“If you constantly feel like you are standing on needles when you are close to someone, or suffer from a sense of inferiority (” I always do everything right “), you are mocked, hen most likely you are exposed to verbal aggression,” – explains Evans. Listen to them talk to you. Are they telling you (they decide for you) that you are that kind of person and that you want this in life? – Keep in mind that no one but ourselves can know and decide what we want, what we think, and what we feel. Believe first and foremost your feelings, rely on them.
Stop blaming yourself
“You have to understand that aggression is not your fault, but the psychological problem of the person who offends you,” Evans emphasizes. “All he needs is total control over you.” If someone from your community is blaming you or the acts of aggressor, do not rush to blame yourself. “I once advised a woman whose husband used to yell at her for no reason, and her mother thought that she was partly responsible for her husband’s insane behavior,” Evans says. “It’s an absolute misconception and it does a lot of damage to the psyche.”
Put Boundaries
There’s no point in explaining and justifying yourself – instead, start putting boundaries: “I don’t want to listen to that.”, “Please Stop!”
Find a support group
It is important to find someone to discuss the situation with, share what is on your soul – it can be a relative, friend, trusted therapist or a spiritual father.
Do not try to change the aggressor
A man is able to change for the better only if he really wants to – but you can’t change him. And that is why you should treat yourself with respect and take care of yourself.
Source: psychologies.ru
I read all this ..I am the agressor I am angry alot I am over weight, how do I make it stop Can I make it or do I need help for someone to make me stop or show me who (probably me) I am really angry at I dont like me
Hello, Peg
Are you an Orthodox Christian? Do you confess on a regular basis? Go to your local Church and talk to your priest. Ask your local priest to give you the blessing to start fasting every Wednesday and Friday as well as all the required fasts.
Also, reading the Holy Psalms helps and calms, as well as reading the Holy Gospels daily will bring God’s peace to your heart.
“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7